Sexual oppression is once again rearing its ugly head in Germany.
The German government has decided to outlaw sex with animals, after it being legal for years.
But the government will not be cast as the bad guy this time. There will be no Stonewall-type rioting. No Quentin Crisp or Oscar Wilde will charm the crowds into tolerance in Germany. The public is pretty much on the government’s side, and the man in the street has nothing but contempt for the practitioners of this form of sex.
I’m talking about zoophilia. Bestiality. Animal fucking.
The face of the resistance is one Michael Kiok, a slightly ratty-looking and significantly overweight 52-year-old conservative librarian. He is the chairman of an organization called ZETA (Zoophiles Engagement für Toleranz und Aufklärung) and he fucks dogs. He used to, anyway, but his Great Dane died four months ago. Now he lives with his boyfriend and a celibate Dalmatian. He’s also attracted to horses, but he stays away from them because “the danger of falling in love is simply too great.”
Kiok also says that animals are much easier to understand than women, and on that I can somewhat agree.
Well, piledriving a penguin sure isn’t love in the eyes of most people on this planet, and for once I’m willing to side with the majority. Felching a falcon just isn’t my idea of romance.
Pitted against ZETA alongside the government, you’ll find animal welfare activists, confusing the whole situation and forcing you to ponder which side loves animals the most. And what is love anyway? Who are you to define what is and isn’t love?
The freedom fight waged by Kiok and his fellow perverts will no doubt be fruitless. It’s impossible to win over the government or the public in this matter, because the only ones who don’t find it hilarious or disgusting are the ones that find it both hilarious and disgusting. Like me. I find zoophilia disgusting, but boy, is it funny!
I’m willing to agree that if the animal isn’t hurt or bothered, having some kind of erotic relationship with one might not be that big of a deal, but fuck if I care to defend it anyway. And in the case of dogs and smaller animals, they can most definitely get hurt. Veterinarian Nicola Siemers can testify to that. Siemers, by the way, have received “nasty emails” from Michael Kiok.
Face it, ZETA. Resistance is futile. The days of buggering buffalos and fisting flamingos in Germany is over. There’ll be no gettin’ frisky with Friesians for Fritz anymore. No going down on geese for Günther. No more hedgehog heinie for Heinrich. Don’t go to Duisburg to diddle with ducks. A rump rodeo with a reindeer is verboten in Rostock. Barebacking with bears in Berlin can get you jail time, son.
German beasts can now walk around without fearing some ugly nerd will jump out from a bush and fuck them. It’s springtime for animals in Germany.