Ladies, listen up: You love gay men, right? Great. We love you too. We love your intuition, your humor and your empathy. We’re like your number one fans.
Ladies, listen up: You love gay men, right? Great. We love you too. We love your intuition, your humor and your empathy. We’re like your number one fans. We want to be the maid of honor at your wedding, be the cool honorary uncle to your babies and hold your hand through any marital or professional woes you may encounter later in life. You act as our shelter from the big, bad gay storm and you mean a lot to us. And guess what one of our favorite things about you is? We don’t want to have sex with you. Not at all. Not even a tiny bit. (Madonna and Rupert Everett had sex in The Next Best Thing and look how well that turned out; they had a baby and terrible box office numbers.)
Ultimately, I think we both want the same things: someone to grow old and gray with, and someone to complain to about the person we’re growing old and gray with. In order for that to happen, we both need to avoid the common Will & Grace pitfalls that can occur in a gay man-straight woman friendship. I’ve taken the liberty of writing up a contract of rules that will ensure our survival. They are as follows:
I, Gay Best Friend, solemnly swear to:
1. Never resent the man who actually wants to have sex with you. If you so happen to find the peanut butter to your jelly while I’m residing in the barren lands of celibacy, I promise to still be happy for you and to make this straight man feel as comfortable as possible. Naturally he will fear me for I am an intimidating homosexual, but I will put these fears to rest by not sitting between the two of you at the movies or getting drunk and telling him he’s not good enough for you. The fact is that he is good enough. He’ll sleep with you, give you orgasms (hopefully) and give you children. Those are things I just cannot do and because of that, I must respect the man that can.
2. Never refer to you as my “fag hag.” You are not a hag. You are a beautiful Goddess who probably has sex with more people than I do. I will not degrade you with such a sentiment and I will respect you for the powerful gay-loving person you are.
3. Only offer constructive criticism on your outfit and styling choices. I may be here, I may be queer, but I don’t want to be a bitch about it. If, for some inexplicable reason, you gravitate towards clothing of a more “casual” nature, I will honor your choices and only speak up if you are truly hurting yourself socially.
4. Turn the knob down on my own narcissism. I love myself. I love to love myself. But I also love you, so I’ll be careful not to get lost in a sea of me (even if it is the most beautiful sea there is, better than the Red Sea).
5. Never hook up with any of your ex-boyfriends — unless they’re really hot and gay to begin with and you say it’s OK.
You, Straight Female Best Friend, solemnly swear to:
1. Never use me as a substitute for a boyfriend. I can braid your hair, let you cry on my shoulder and take you to Planned Parenthood, but I cannot and will not touch the thing that exists between your legs. Because of such limitations, I will never be able to provide you with the kind of companionship us humans so desperately crave.
2. Treat me as a person, not a gay man. I’m your best friend who happens to be gay, not your gay best friend (um, regardless of how it’s worded in the contract). I am not this years’ hottest new accessory. I’m not your trophy piece. I’m just a gay man asking a straight girl to love him (as a friend).
3. Never have 8,000 gay friends. I know this sounds harsh. After all, who am I to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with? But I can because it’s my make-believe contract. Ha! There’s a reason behind my madness: Girls with boatloads of gay friends set off a red alarm in my mind that says, “I have issues with straight men and cannot deal. I will surround myself with gay men for shallow purposes and to fill a void.” (See oaths #1 and #2 for reference).
4. Never make out with me. Just don’t. Straight girls kissing gay boys only makes sense when your friend just came out of the closet and drinks too much Mike’s Hard Lemonade. He thinks for a split second that heterosexuality could work, that he could get married and avoid a life of Grindr, Craigslist ads and persecution. He was mistaken and he’ll never try that funny business again.
5. Never set me up with other gay men just by virtue of the fact that they also like to have sex with men. I don’t set you up with every straight Joe, Sam and Tom I see walking down the street. Being gay can be hard and standards have been known to take a dip, but I’m entitled to be picky. The only thing I’ll have in common with Star, the gay vegan dumpster diver who majored in engineering is that we both like penis. That’s somehow not enough to establish a connection.
This concludes our contract. If we follow these rules, we can ride off in to the platonic sunset together. We’ll be free to be you and me, best gay straight female male friends. Should we sign it in blood?