I really wanted to give a thorough rundown of all the ways in which this site is killing me from the inside, and I keep being tempted to go back into the shit swamp with a helmet on so I can research it more thoroughly, but then I get distracted by another embarrassment, like “30 Beta Male Traits You Must Avoid,” and I have to close the browser window like it’s going to spill on me.
That’s you, dawg, three vaginas at once and shit.
I kind of need someone else to go process this website Alpha Male Lifestyle for me. I really wanted to give a thorough rundown of all the ways in which it’s killing me from the inside, and I keep being tempted to go back into the shit swamp with a helmet on so I can research it more thoroughly, but then I get distracted by another embarrassment, like “30 Beta Male Traits You Must Avoid,” and I have to close the browser window like it’s going to spill on me. I feel like I just accidentally came in my own mouth in front of my grandmother. I had to construct one of those toilet paper roll viewing glass things you make to look at an eclipse just to scroll down the sidebar.
It really may be the platonic ideal of The List in web form. Is my mission here done? Have we lost? Is this the holy grail of douchebagdom, the capital of Douchebaghdad, you might call it? Yes. Yes, it is. Here are a few highlights gleaned by alternatively sneaking a quick glance / puking on my own dick.
“6 Ways To Make Your Penis Look And Feel Bigger”
The past few months I have been using Aaron Kemmer’s Exercising the Penis Program. So far I have had some great results. Over the next few weeks I will be writing about how achieved this. In the mean time I recommend trying out his exercising the penis program and get started.
However, before you start exercising your penis, you should carry out the following 6 tips that will make your penis appear bigger straight away. Although your penis will not be physically bigger, this is a good place to start before you begin your penis enlargement exercise programme…
This is by far my favorite bit of advice on that particularly useful job: “Hold in Your Urine: Your penis will inflate if you hold your urine in for long periods of time. You would only do this if you are expecting others to see your penis such as in a changing room.” Naturally.
Lots of great advice in this one, “How to Measure Your Penis,”, although you think he might’ve saved a lot of time by just showing a picture of a ruler — which he also did, mind you, but sandwiched in between a lot of messy words.
So much more to enjoy here: “Dating Mistakes Men Must Avoid On A First Date” or “How To Become Interesting To Women.” Here’s one great pro-tip from the latter: “Having a hobby makes your life more interesting and gives you added value. Hobbies, such as playing an instrument, learning a new language, learning martial arts, running a blog, playing a sport, all intrigue people, especially women. Not only do they make your life more fulfilling but also give you more to discuss. You have the opportunity to meet new people and make friends by taking classes and lessons. It keeps you busy and gives you plenty to talk about.”
“Yeah, I bang around a little bit on the guitar. Oh weird, there’s one right here, let me show you.”
This is such a perfect satire of body-spray manliness that there is literally nothing I can add to make it any lulzier. I think I may have finally found my arch-enemy. Our superpowers automatically cancel each other out. I am left impotent in the richness of his splendor. I wonder if I should be exercising my metaphoric joke blogging dick harder? I bet there’s some advice about that on the site.
Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe guys need to read stuff like this. People are fucking stupid after all. I’ve got a lot to think about — like whether or not I should be writing for Alpha Male Lifestyle instead of my own blog. Good news for anyone else who just had the same thought because they’re looking for help!
Bitches, am I right fellas?
We are looking for regular guest bloggers to publish on our blog and our mailing list.
Our aim is to build an Alpha Male Lifestyle Community sharing everyone’s knowledge and expertise on the topics covered in our blog. If you think this is something you can do, please submit a post at the bottom of this page.
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It is important that your blog post is related to our blog, if it isn’t, we won’t be publishing it. Here is a selection of our most popular topics:
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Examples of types of blog posts we love to see:
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Is that last bit a reward or a punishment?
I don’t find this offensive so much as pathetic- especially after I realized that it’s Australian. Beta-ness is just endemic there.
brb though gonna go read their pussy eating tips
Jesus. Even sadder, I’m pretty sure it’s just one guy writing everything. All I saw were articles by ‘Steve Harold.’ Or maybe it was HOLT!
This is pretty much the same thing as SBTVC just less subtle and for normals
Protip: Don’t use the word “lulzier”
Top 10 Words Not to Use on the Internet
[Blog goes on to have 1,000,000,000 viewers making D. Ouchebag a billionaire "playboy-entrepreneur" who moves to L.A. and loses his money on a film production company].
Sure, sure… but really, where DO you measure a cock from? I’d say the from the top, but perhaps that is unfair because there is some significant extension from the base/underneath section, no? Tough call.
The misunderstanding of what “alpha” means is pretty staggering these days. The term describes the dominant one of the group, the group being of course the pack of chimps or whatever. We’re just fancy chimps, so we still have the dominance hierarchy built into our genes, but we don’t live in packs of 15 out on the savannah anymore so we mistakenly apply a hardwired social impulse to a society where it makes no sense. This helps explain why people are obsessed with useless celebrities (they satisfy the need to look up to a dominant member of the tribe).
The only way “alpha” makes sense is within the confines of your little social group. The best WoW player out of your nerd buddies who the rest of the nerd group look up to is the alpha nerd, and the majority of guys who think of themselves as alpha are still looking up to some slightly more steroided dude and following him around beta style. By this logic, following any advice from this site by definition makes you a beta within the “reads this blog” social group.
This is not to downplay the other major problems with this site, it’s just to say that the term alpha gets thrown around a lot as if it means “cool dude, bro” or whatever.
Tip on how to NOT puke on your own dick: don’t have your dick out while reading a masculinity blog.
I just read the top 6 tips for making your willy look more big. I was excited before I read it but they’re noob shit like “lose weight” and “look at it in the mirror” (?). “Hold in your urine” was a new one for me though.
That Steve Harold sure is a prolific writer.
“The only way “alpha” makes sense is within the confines of your little social group. The best WoW player out of your nerd buddies who the rest of the nerd group look up to is the alpha nerd, and the majority of guys who think of themselves as alpha are still looking up to some slightly more steroided dude and following him around beta style. By this logic, following any advice from this site by definition makes you a beta within the “reads this blog” social group.”
This pretty much sums it up.
Dammit, it says on that site I’m a beta male. I don’t want to be a pathetic beta male. Gotta get up to par on my PC muscles. Gonna have to take a hiatus and go to the gym.
There’s a page on this blog called “exercising the penis”, hahaha
@Spike: Nah B, you can skip the gym and exercise your PC muscles at your desk. Don’t forget to hold in your urine too
Hrm, for some reason it won’t let me post about the amazing piece I just found. Maybe the spam filters are catching it. It’s about to, hrm, how to say this without looking like spam… embiggening the liquid content of your hogan’s discharge like guys on the internet videos. hosing faces down and shit. imagine worrying that you aren’t shooting like a professional? like, actively, a real person. thinking that. then reading about how to fix it. wtf
Good job sweetie. Your article reminds me of this one time I remember, your grandpop, he was down cellar, and I called down to him but he didn’t answer. Concerned, I furtively descended the stairs, fearing he’d had a heart attack! Incorrect. He was fully erect, and pumping away furiously at his cock. “Ted!” His name exited my mouth as a muted gasp. He couldn’t hear me, a pictorial spread of Goofy being penetrated by Micky the sole object of his focus.
His legs and back stiffened as he quickened his pace. He moaned a few rhythmic words under his breath and squished his weiner hard with his right hand, steadying himself on the table with his left. The pink tip throbbed violently a few times and then “whoosh” a few large ropes of cum sprayed all over. Even in his mouth! Long story short, it runs in the family. So the next time you cum in your own mouth, think about grandpop.
“Lulzier” could be a word for someone who travels throughout the, er, blogosphere dispensing hilarity and joy. A bit like me, come to think of it.
Luke’s mad cuz he’s a beta male yall. Time to GTL brahs. laters.
I am mad.
want to hear the devil talking?
http://re-attraction.com/win-her-back-now.php
this is pretty much any Cosmo or Cleo magazine in men speak… gross, huh?!
“Douchebaghdad” is amazing enough to cancel out a million “lulzier”s, even though “lulzier” is fine anway
My mother’s tongue is not english, fuck.
“and I have to close the browser window like it’s going to spill on me” solidly good
You guys like the words I made with my hands. I appreciate that.
““The only way “alpha” makes sense is within the confines of your little social group. The best WoW player out of your nerd buddies who the rest of the nerd group look up to is the alpha nerd, and the majority of guys who think of themselves as alpha are still looking up to some slightly more steroided dude and following him around beta style. By this logic, following any advice from this site by definition makes you a beta within the “reads this blog” social group.””
In game circles, an alpha male is just defined as a man with the ability to fuck a lot of women. Further distinctions on the alpha/beta spectrum can be made with regards to how hot the women are, and how strongly attracted women become to the man in question on average. That’s all there is to it, all it means. people argue all the time that you can’t be alpha unless you’re a leader of other men, or if you leave behind a lot of kids, but people who write about game use “alpha” just to mean men who can fuck a lot of women.
Game is one of the most polarizing subjects I’ve ever come across, and I definitely have no interest in arguing back and forth about it’s merits, but i do wanna make two points: 1) it fucking WORKS. on sluts, on shy girls, on professionals, on dropouts. period end of of story. 2) Gavin constantly writes shit about ‘how to be a man’ and also about how traditional masculinity is under attack, and pretty much all of it is identical to what you’ll read on any game blog. If you look up “the vice guide to picking up chicks” it is literally all the same shit you will read on a blog like this just not written by cheeseball. The reason it’s all literally the same, btw, is because that’s the shit that works, no matter what scene you run in.
in fact, i just googled “the vice guide to picking up chicks” and it’s been reposted on like, a dozen different game blogs exactly like “alpha male lifestyle”
The thing about “the game” is that the dudes who do it are completely creepy, borderline psychopathic losers who lack the ability or the desire to accomplish anything other than getting into a girl’s panties, and to normal, more socially-adjusted human beings, it comes off as a bit petty.
kure kure takora – only the ones that really suck at it. the ones that are good are indistinguishable from naturally charismatic cool guys.
So they’re even further down the rabbit-hole because they’ve faked it so much that it’s part of their shell of a personality, which you seem to readily admit. Awesome. You seem to have completely missed my point in that doing any sort of “game system” to get women in of itself is a sad, sad thing.
There is a small class of girls who are totally unresponsive to “game”. There’s no accepted term for them so let’s just call them “any girl you could possibly ever give a fuck about”.
Have fun having the same casual sex that people who don’t use “game” have and cutting yourself off from the possibility of a not pathetic relationship to women.
kure kure takora’s just mad cuz he’s a beta male yall. Time to GTL brahs. laters.
This comment thread goes really well with beer.
I’ve been holding my piss in for hours! This shit works! Gonna knock up so many larp girls…
I just did an 8ball of coke earlier and this website is the only thing that make me feel better. Seriously i feel like a paranoid piece of shit.