You could watch most movies with your eyes closed and still figure out what’s going on but occasionally there’s a scene where only successful eye-owners like you and me can figure it out. For example, in a horror movie where we think the guy’s dead and Jamie Lee Curtis is wondering how to get out of there, what happens when dude appears in the window behind her?  Blind people can’t see that

You could watch most movies with your eyes closed and still figure out what’s going on but occasionally there’s a scene where only successful eye-owners like you and me can figure it out. For example, in a horror movie where we think the guy’s dead and Jamie Lee Curtis is wondering how to get out of there, what happens when dude appears in the window behind her? Blind people can’t see that so let’s do this: There’s a narration option on the DVD called NB (Narration for the Blind) which is selected by a friend and it let’s Blindies listen to the movie like anyone else only, when there’s a scene like this the narrator pipes in with, “Michael Myers has just appeared in the window behind her. Laurie hasn’t seen him yet.”

If they were really good at it they could spice it up in other movies where the truth is less obvious and say, “Jesus Christ! What was that? Something just shot by one of the graves she’s standing on. It might have been a wolf or a – oh no! The ground is opening up!” Some narrators would be known for showing restraint and only talking once or twice during the entire film and others would be funny chatterboxes that keep you laughing from credits to credits.

Eventually these narrators would be stars in their own right. Blind people wouldn’t want to watch a horror movie unless it was narrated by their favorite horror movie narrator (let’s call him Jody Tethers). Mia Coolidge does romcoms best and if you want great comedy narration you should stick to, say, Chris Douglas. Blind people would get these narrators to sign autographs on special tablets where you can feel it and some narrators would even get BJs from the blind (said to be the greatest BJs in the history of BJs).

It would not be possible to have actual actors or directors do this narration so get that out of your head. They are too involved in the film and don’t get the first-time-viewer vibe. Besides, we get that in the commentary function. Good narrators, people like Tethers and Coolidge, watch the film with the blind “viewer” like a buddy and take him through it with the same kind of innocence Shit Eyes would have if his eyes weren’t shit. Once this feature becomes really established you’re going to start seeing non-blind people selecting NB. That’s right. You “heard” me.

We have now arrived at the second part of this stoned invention: DVDs that have a feature where you can put them in a CD player and listen to them like they’re a series of MP3s (each chapter gets a track). Pressing play on the DVD in your car stereo lets you hear, “Animal House” exactly the same way you heard it on the TV but if you hit play and ffwd at the same time, it enables the NB function and now you can have an audio experience that includes every detail a home viewing would give. Thanks to the genius of Jody Tethers, sight-abled people on road trips can experience the same suspense and excitement blind people get when they’re stoned at home.

CONCLUSION: Narration for the Blind is a great invention because it enables blind people to enjoy films almost as much as the rest of us AND it makes DVDs a portable media you no longer need a screen to enjoy. Thank you pot and you’re welcome you.

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