If nothing else, Southern crunk music taught that stupid people are entertaining as shit.

Sadly, the genre is dead. Lil Jon was killed when his dreadlocks were caught in a pool filter, and the Ying Yang Twins committed suicide when they learned that their name was misspelled. So where can assholes like me go for some quality ghetto entertainment without waiting for Soul Plane 2 to come out? Ghetto Twitter.

Finding Ghetto Twitter is not as easy as walking up to the projects and asking the nice young men standing outside if they know the way. This hunt is gonna take some patience. Closely watch what hashtags are trending until you see something that appears to have been started by someone who speaks African American Vernacular English as their first language. “#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat” is the most recent one I’ve seen. Click that hashtag and—TADOW!—you’re in the hood like a clitoris. Here’s some of the ghetto booty I discovered on my latest foray into the digital snack box of ghetto Tweets.

@juicee_mama69

@juicee_mama69 is Ghetto Twitter gold. First of all, her Twitter background is a big ass in a thong, tiled for almost overwhelming emphasis. Then there are the hashtags in her profile BIO which include “#Freaky”, “#SloppyToppy” and “#FryingChicken.” Apparently, she has a proclivity for messy oral sex and fried poultry. Great! So does everybody except for prudes and vegans. Here’s where it starts getting weird.

Is Mrs. Mama69 looking for Mixed Martial Artists to fuck, but only in the morning? I guess there’s nothing like getting fucked from behind whilst in a rear naked choke before your morning cuppa. I don’t even want to know why she hashtagged the word “dick.”

Her photo was liked by 141 men; 126 of them are vorarephiles. It must be hard to find a cannibal who also knows Brazillian jiu jitsu and has a decent stand-up game.

 @DannyDtown

The Mayans were right. Juggalos have discovered Twitter, and their subculture of shit music, awful face paint, and 40s of Faygo is being spread to the children. You may want to rethink how you feel about preemptive strikes.

Dear God, they’re communicating. Wait, is that a girl? Oh my God, they can reproduce. There’s already 66,307 of them following @ICP. We are so fucked.

@Mr_iKeepitreal

Like Descartes before him, “ModernWarNegro” asks the big questions. I’m not sure how to answer this one, Mr. WarNegro. Maybe it’s because everyone pronounces them differently, For instance, the word “ask.” When you say it, I’m sure it sounds nothing like when I do.

In addition to philosophy and keeping it real, @Mr_iKeepitreal also dabbles in photography and providing financial advice to his Twitter followers. Na na na na, wait till I get my money right, then he’ll photograph my mansion, right?

@MONIQUEIAM

It’s nice to see someone just cut to the chase with their profile picture for once. No weird angle self-shot portraits or hazy bathroom mirror shots; Monique knows what her followers want to see. If you’re using a Twitter client, you won’t even see the background image that actually has her face in it. To most people, Monique the Physique will simply appear to be a big ass that Tweets, and she is.

Good Morning Monique! I usually just let it rip and then blame the cat, but hey, that’s just me. Since you’re a sentient, talking ass, I would assume that you know how to talk your way out of these situations. Speaking of ass, it’s a shame that Twitter doesn’t allow flash animations in their profile photos. Wait a second! Monique has that covered with her own home page in which her ass cheeks pulsate from right to left and back. Mesmerizing.

 @HollywoodVonte

I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry. Oh fuck it, I’ll just laugh.

Holla at me on Twitter: @MDavidEnriquez.

—M. DAVID ENRIQUEZ

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