The other day I realized that 10% of my iPhone keystrokes are dedicated to telling my iPhone to shut the fuck up.
Yes it’s a #firstworldproblem, but fuck you: I’m not going to walk around all day going “Thank god I’m not in Darfur, thank god I’m not in Darfur, thank god I’m not in Darfur…” These are my problems. Relativity is a bitch – I’m sorry for dudes in Africa and concentration camps, but for me this is a bitch and I’m sick of it.
I text faster than a Muslim fleeing Gay Pride, and I don’t appreciate my flow getting busted up by having to UN-autocorrect words I use 100 times a day.
So I googled for a solution, and everyone says the same thing: to get your iPhone to shut the fuck up, you need to create Shortcuts and Contacts to fool it into thinking that Fuck, Cunt, Yo, Shfatza, and any other words you don’t want your iPhone to autocorrect are people. As much as I don’t like the idea of my wife finding mysterious female contacts in my phone, I decided to go through with it:
Ok. Took some work, but a small price to pay to get 8% of my life back.
Saved it, restarted my phone… Aaaand it didn’t fucking work: “Yo” still autocorrected to “To.” FUCK.
So then I’m walking by the Apple Store on 14th and I realized fuck, why not go in and see some skanky-ass Apple chick about my problem. That’ll be good for a laugh or two, and will give me an excuse to talk to a female and use the word cunt.
Joke was on me: It was all obnoxious hipster GUYS working there, and they were all zitty and disgusting like Arcade Fire versions of eighties Apple guys.
I told them my problem, and they gave me the same advice that google did. This caused me to experience a delusional, momentary rush of adrenaline happiness as I blurted that I ALREADY FUCKING TRIED THAT, SEE??
So the guy looks at my phone, perplexed, and escalates the matter to their retarded king of the sales floor – not an Apple Genius™ mind you, just king of the wannabes.
The guy goes, I shit you not: “Maybe you should stop typing ‘yo.’ so much.”
FUCK YOU you little hipster douche fucker. YO is how old people say hello to each other. YO is how I end snappy sentences. Why should *I* change. Change your fucking phone. Asshole.
If anyone has any advice on how to fix this, please post it in the comments, to.
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